It's your first time back at the grocery since the manager, in a not-so-kind manner, told you never to bring your kids into his store again. You're secretly relieved to have to leave them home with your spouse. Thirty minutes later, you return home--without groceries. Egg yolk is dripping from your hair, chocolate syrup is smeared across your shirt, and smashed produce is sticking to your shoes.
No one understands me!! You see, I love shopping, any kind of shopping, but particularly grocery shopping, because I adore food! I just love to ramble down they aisle and look and smell and occasionally hold all the wonderful foods.
On this particular day I was relieved of my kids (they had to stay home because of a prior incident, but that is another story. The point is they got to stay home with their dad) and was able to take my time and truly enjoy the experience of choosing, bonding with and purchasing my groceries. I had just entered the store and began down the first aisle full of bakery goods when I heard my name paged over the intercom. This was a total shock to me because I had not done anything to incite attention or create a problem. In my rush to find the person calling my name, I tripped and landed in the middle of the aisle, face down.
I must tell you that I am not a petite person, in fact, I am rather large, ok ok, I'm morbidly obese (probably has something to do with my adoration of food). Because of my size, when I was sprawled in the aisle I made it impossible for anyone to pass without an off roading vehicle and determination superior to most human beings (it is very hard to off-road among the wilds of my fat!). It was funny that there was just such a person in the store, rather, in my aisle at that very moment.
Perhaps the wirery little old woman didn't have a jeep, but she did have a cart full of bananas, chocolate syrup, and eggs (probably to make some kind of cake or maybe a really original banana split). When she saw me go down, she didn't even pause, but instead ploughed ahead at full speed. The impact was tremendous! As the cart hit all its contents smashed through the metal front of the cart (you know, it's not really wire or mesh, but all carts are made of it) and instantly became a puree that covered me head to foot. The little lady went flying and landed clear of me by about a foot. She instantly scrambled to her feet and sprinted off.
I was left a sticky mess that was soon found by an irate manager. He called in the forklift to lift me to my feet, then charged me a $200 fine and banned me from his store forever. That is how I arrived home without groceries. Egg yolk dripping from my hair, chocolate syrup smeared across my shirt, and smashed produce sticking to my shoes.
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